Depression isn't easy

Tonight after watching the movie Hook in honor of Robin Williams, I reflect upon the life he lived. I didn't know he struggled with depression, until I heard about him taking his own life. It is a tragic thing to learn of the death of a person, who couldn't see a way out, and decided to take their life. I have had friends take their own lives because of things they struggled with. I had a friend, she struggled with manic bi-polar disorder, and she took her own life many years ago, because she wanted to be free of the pills she had to take to just be herself.

Depression is something we don't often discuss, and I am not really sure why, I know why i don't speak of it, and that is because I don't want others worrying about me. Tonight I feel I must share my feelings on the subject, and I will be sharing some really personal things in this blog post that I have not shared with an audience larger than a close friend, but I feel it is time I do so. I do so reluctantly, but I feel prompted to do so.

I have struggled with depression for many years of life, I have also struggled with mild PTSD. During my growing up years I was molested till the age of 8. This was the cause of my depression and PTSD, I received counseling while growing up, but to no avail, nothing worked, medications seemed to help slightly, but I continued to have issues with anger, love, and probably an assortment of other things. There were many times I have contemplated taking my own life, sometimes even going so far as to take an entire bottle of my prescription medication. I have been saved many times from actually following through, something inside of me never allowed me to move forward with those thoughts.

The reason I had these issues was because of what I was taught while I was young by those who molested me, how worthless I was, how terrible I was, how it was all my fault, etc. There were always kind strangers, and my own mother was a big help through all of this. I love my mom dearly and any single person who may say anything about how could this have gone on till I was 8 if my mom really cared, will definitely be getting an email from me, if not a personal visit and lets see if you have the courage to face me then. I whole heartedly defend my mother and may in the future write a post about her, and where she has come from and who she is today.

Growing up was difficult, I was bullied by many in my growing up years, until high school. People can see a beaten down person and sometimes they feel the need to beat a little further, and I too was guilty of this at times because of my need to feel power over someone because of all the years of helplessness I felt on my part.

My life wasn't all darkness growing up, despite struggling with depression and mild PTSD, there were many wonderful moments. I have many friends to thank for the help they gave me, for the smiles, the unspoken support and love, for putting up with me at my low times and helping me along.

It is interesting to note that throughout my life I have always been there for others, I have been seen as the one who didn't need help, but as the one who could help. For me, helping others is what helped me, talking to friends about suicide, the abuse they went through, the struggles they were having, for some reason helping ease another's burdens only eased mine. I have also seemed to be one that people went to for advice, at a young age I would have people many years my elder that would ask me my opinion on things. I am not here to gloat but to wonder, and to tell a story about my struggle.

While dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide for many years and mild PTSD, I continued on in life, having many ups and downs. To help ease the pain of my early childhood and to help deal with my PTSD and depression I would often turn to pornography as my drug of choice. Many do not know that I have struggled with pornography in the past, and it is difficult enough to mention here that I even have, but I feel by the spirit of God it is okay for me to share this. Pornography is not different from any other drug, no worse, no better, it was my drug of choice. I know many of you as you read these last few sentences will think to yourselves "I had no idea." That is right, you had no idea, I have always wanted to come off as strong, resilient, and not needing the help of others, but the truth of the matter as I continued in my pornography addiction I only spiraled deeper and deeper into depression, and needed help. It was the continued cycle of viewing, feeling horrible, and viewing again to get rid of the horrible feeling. Now this doesn't mean it was every waking moment of every waking day, feelings of inadequateness and depression can be underlying and not necessarily on the surface for them to make a manifestation in the form of a desire for a drug many days later.

For many years I struggled with this addiction. I went on to serve a mission, and that is when things changed for me. I struggled with depression, anger, and love as a missionary. One day in one of my areas I had a feeling I should tell my mission president I wanted to receive professional counseling. He referred me to a counselor named Ginger. The counseling I received there helped me to bring the light of Jesus Christ into my darkest moments in my life. To face those moments with my Lord and Savior and wipe those moments away. As those moments of negativity in my life were filled with my Saviors love I began to feel happy for once in my life, I began to experience genuineness of me, genuine love for others, and a newfound happiness in the light of Jesus Christ in my life.

I am lucky to have found Ginger on my mission, the process she brought me through has made me who I am today, by helping me face those dark moments and bring in the Savior to help make those moments light, to give Him my yoke. I am not saying this works for everyone, nor am I saying everyone will get over their depression in their lifetime, but what I am saying is there is hope. For those who do not have Jesus Christ in their life, I am sure there are ways to help you still heal, ways of mediation, energy work, etc that can be of great use to you in your struggle of overcoming depression or PTSD.

I am not fully over all the things I have dealt with in my life. Upon returning from my mission I received more counseling and was dating a very wonderful gal. I found there were many insecurities I had about love because of my childhood experiences with how the definition of love was taught to me by my molesters. That is an example of how things will still come up for me, but I now have the tools to meet those head on, deal with those, and move forward. This doesn't mean there aren't moments I deal with depression, but I can definitely say they are brighter moments than the moments I had before my counseling.

I have a testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ and of his atoning sacrifice. He came to this earth to go through all things, he UNDERSTANDS what each and everyone of us go through, he has felt each of our pain and can help make our burdens light. His sacrifice wasn't to just take away our sin but to have a place we could set our yokes of negativity and live our lives to the fullest. Jesus is the Christ and he does live.

For those who struggle with depression or PTSD, or struggle in general in life, know that you have a friend here. You can call me anytime, day or night, and I will be there for you.

Others of you out there, be aware of what others around you may be going through. Depression isn't a choice one can make to just get out of it if they are feeling down. There are many friends I wish I could have been there at the moments they passed so I could tell them it gets better, there is hope, there is a life out of depression. If you really want to help someone with depression, when they are having a down moment, sometimes just being with them, not even talking helps, inviting them to something, or just sending them a text of something positive. Everyone is different who struggles with depression and those few suggestions are not conclusive, but be aware. Depression is typically stemmed because of something in life that has happened to an individual. It is not a choice, but I sure as hell wish it was. And exercising helps a little and to prove a point that it is not a cure for all depression, I ran throughout high school and into college, running an average of 5 miles a day for 10 years of life, it helps a little.

Because of my life experiences thus far, I have a great understanding of human suffering, I have been blessed with the ability to discern when someone needs something, the ability to know someones intentions, and a great capacity for love. I wouldn't change anything about my life.

Patriotic Peace

This post is a rewrite of a patriotic poem I wrote on the morning of the 4th of July, 2011. I revised it into more of a paper form and made a few revisions.

P.C. Liberty CountryMark

 On the fourth of July, liberty came, freedom won, and evil became undone. A sacred document forged, with the blood of valiant men, still holds, to this day, the power of God on earth. The republic they once knew, would be foreign, if they were alive today. The republic, as one nation under God, is now divisible, with political correctness and bitterness for all. The sacred document is the key, to liberty and justice for all. With that same God, this nation, can again, be once more. Restored to its glory, known for its riches, its generosity, and love of freedom for all the world. Make this your day to pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of America, to the republic, and not what it has become today. The republic is what stands, as one indivisible nation under the hand of an almighty creator. This is the land of the free, and the home of the brave. Let us be brave again, let us restore once more, the constitution the people. Let us regain our freedoms that have been lost, let us stand for the republic, as much as we stand as a witness of God and Jesus Christ. Stand up next to Him, as he has always stood up next to you. Remember the blood, the sacrifice, to gain all we have. To the men who do sacrifice, thank them, don't hate them, lift them up, make their burdens light. They fight for liberty, and for the justice of all. 

Never no never forsake, this God given land. No other land has been so blessed by God. Stand up and commit today, to stand for freedom, freedom of your religion, your choices, stand up for Christ and your Heavenly Father; at all times and in all places, wherever you may be. Lets make this the god given republic it once was, once again. Let us be brave mean and women who call upon our God for the support of this country. With his hand was this country made free, and only with his hand will this country stay free.  This is God's chosen land, from sea to shining sea, no unhallowed hand can keep it, from being free. Unless we forget who keeps it free. Remember the blood that spilt in a garden, on a hill top on a cross, and in 1776, 1861,1917, 1941, 1950, 1961, 1990, and the 21st century. No nation has done more for this world, and no nation under God should do any less. This is God's country, he will protect us and prosper us, lest we forget. 

Keep freedom free, liberty and justice for all. For by the dawns early light, did freedom shine bright. Though freedom is bombarded as Fort McHenry was that night, it can still be seen in the dawns early light. May we hold the flag high and what it represents at all costs. At Fort McHenry, they held it with their lives. For great things, comes a great sacrifice. Sacrifice today, and show the world that we are still one nation under God, invisible because of His power. 

See the freedom in the bombs bursting in the air, freedom still shines, freedom still holds. Lets hold freedom true int he mid day's sun, once again. 

One True Religion?

As many of you may know I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, for two years in Colorado. I loved my mission and I absolutely enjoyed getting to know people, creating lifelong friendships, and getting to know more about how religion plays a role in the life of others. It is this role of religion in the life of others that I would like to discuss today. As a reminder these views in no way reflect the views of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, these are my opinion on the matter at hand.

While I have gone through life I was blessed to have wonderful parents who really helped me understand that everyone is a child of God. I also grew up in a faith where I was taught that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the ONLY true church and there is no other true church out there. While I do not dispute this claim, this is where I would desire to expound on my opinion of the matter of one true religion.

There are many religions out in the world, and where I served my LDS mission in Colorado Springs, Colorado there were over 800 different denominations listed in the phone book (Yes, one day I sort of counted). Naturally we ran into many of these folks of different faiths, we spoke with many, had wonderful conversations with many of them, ate dinner at their homes, helped around their yards, etc. While I served alongside so many wonderful people I began to wonder why they were not LDS, why they were not part of Jesus Christ's only church on the face of the earth with the fullness of the everlasting gospel. While many seek to preach their religion as the true religion I began to wonder myself which religion was true. At this point in my life I had plenty of experiences with God telling me the LDS faith is the true church and to dedicate my life to the teachings of Jesus Christ that are found in the LDS faith, which I still agree with whole heartedly. What happened next to my own personal insight was interesting and life changing, it changed the way I approached my mission, the way I approached people who were not of my religion, and the way I viewed other faiths.

In my last area on my mission I was in a  mountain area of Colorado, a very beautiful area, an area that wasn't well off financially for the people who lived there. In our area was a food pantry which was housed in a little white chapel. While the pantry itself wasn't a religion, everyone who volunteered there every second and fourth Monday of the month was religious in someway. We would have a prayer, typically provided by my good friend David who is a Christian. As I interacted with these folks of many different religions for many months I began to realize how happy they were in their religion. Some of these people asked my mission companion and I to come help them with service projects in their church, to help them at their homes, or the home of their friend. We became part of the community.

As we became part of the community and got to know these good Christians I realized quickly that while I was in that area, none of these folks were going to get baptized into the LDS faith, but that wasn't my worry, I wanted to give them a good experience of the LDS faith, and to see them be happy. What I came to realize is the LDS faith wasn't for everyone. Everyone who desires to live the faith of the LDS church can be very happy, and I feel it is the way to eternal happiness.

What I came to learn as I interacted with these folks was each religion has its place. Not everyone can live the life the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints standards would require. There are other religions out there that do many wonderful things for their communities and the world. The reason there are so many different religions is because not everyone fits into one mold. While I feel my faith is THE true church, who am I to say that someone else's religion isn't true for them? With that approach I started seeing people who didn't accept our message, in a different light. I realized the LDS faith wasn't for everyone, it is for everyone if they are ready for it, but not everyone will be. The culture is such that not everyone would feel welcome, even Christ wasn't accepted of everyone, so why should his church be? maybe someone can do more good being somewhere else rather than being part of the LDS faith.

I don't know how this all works together in the eternitites, but I know it will all work out. I am not opposed to sharing my religion with others, but I try to do it in such a way as a dear friend once told me "live in such a way that those who know you will want to know Christ." Everyone I interacted with at that food pantry and other areas of service in my life, lived this quote to a T.

 I testify that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, he was directed to restore again to the earth Jesus Christ's true church. This is the gospel in its entirety, and is the church, with all of Christ's teachings. I know it is true, and I invite others to learn more for themselves by reading the Book of Mormon and asking God if it is truly indeed another testament of Jesus Christ, a companion to the Bible.