Tonight after watching the movie Hook in honor of Robin Williams, I reflect upon the life he lived. I didn't know he struggled with depression, until I heard about him taking his own life. It is a tragic thing to learn of the death of a person, who couldn't see a way out, and decided to take their life. I have had friends take their own lives because of things they struggled with. I had a friend, she struggled with manic bi-polar disorder, and she took her own life many years ago, because she wanted to be free of the pills she had to take to just be herself.
Depression is something we don't often discuss, and I am not really sure why, I know why i don't speak of it, and that is because I don't want others worrying about me. Tonight I feel I must share my feelings on the subject, and I will be sharing some really personal things in this blog post that I have not shared with an audience larger than a close friend, but I feel it is time I do so. I do so reluctantly, but I feel prompted to do so.
I have struggled with depression for many years of life, I have also struggled with mild PTSD. During my growing up years I was molested till the age of 8. This was the cause of my depression and PTSD, I received counseling while growing up, but to no avail, nothing worked, medications seemed to help slightly, but I continued to have issues with anger, love, and probably an assortment of other things. There were many times I have contemplated taking my own life, sometimes even going so far as to take an entire bottle of my prescription medication. I have been saved many times from actually following through, something inside of me never allowed me to move forward with those thoughts.
The reason I had these issues was because of what I was taught while I was young by those who molested me, how worthless I was, how terrible I was, how it was all my fault, etc. There were always kind strangers, and my own mother was a big help through all of this. I love my mom dearly and any single person who may say anything about how could this have gone on till I was 8 if my mom really cared, will definitely be getting an email from me, if not a personal visit and lets see if you have the courage to face me then. I whole heartedly defend my mother and may in the future write a post about her, and where she has come from and who she is today.
Growing up was difficult, I was bullied by many in my growing up years, until high school. People can see a beaten down person and sometimes they feel the need to beat a little further, and I too was guilty of this at times because of my need to feel power over someone because of all the years of helplessness I felt on my part.
My life wasn't all darkness growing up, despite struggling with depression and mild PTSD, there were many wonderful moments. I have many friends to thank for the help they gave me, for the smiles, the unspoken support and love, for putting up with me at my low times and helping me along.
It is interesting to note that throughout my life I have always been there for others, I have been seen as the one who didn't need help, but as the one who could help. For me, helping others is what helped me, talking to friends about suicide, the abuse they went through, the struggles they were having, for some reason helping ease another's burdens only eased mine. I have also seemed to be one that people went to for advice, at a young age I would have people many years my elder that would ask me my opinion on things. I am not here to gloat but to wonder, and to tell a story about my struggle.
While dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide for many years and mild PTSD, I continued on in life, having many ups and downs. To help ease the pain of my early childhood and to help deal with my PTSD and depression I would often turn to pornography as my drug of choice. Many do not know that I have struggled with pornography in the past, and it is difficult enough to mention here that I even have, but I feel by the spirit of God it is okay for me to share this. Pornography is not different from any other drug, no worse, no better, it was my drug of choice. I know many of you as you read these last few sentences will think to yourselves "I had no idea." That is right, you had no idea, I have always wanted to come off as strong, resilient, and not needing the help of others, but the truth of the matter as I continued in my pornography addiction I only spiraled deeper and deeper into depression, and needed help. It was the continued cycle of viewing, feeling horrible, and viewing again to get rid of the horrible feeling. Now this doesn't mean it was every waking moment of every waking day, feelings of inadequateness and depression can be underlying and not necessarily on the surface for them to make a manifestation in the form of a desire for a drug many days later.
For many years I struggled with this addiction. I went on to serve a mission, and that is when things changed for me. I struggled with depression, anger, and love as a missionary. One day in one of my areas I had a feeling I should tell my mission president I wanted to receive professional counseling. He referred me to a counselor named Ginger. The counseling I received there helped me to bring the light of Jesus Christ into my darkest moments in my life. To face those moments with my Lord and Savior and wipe those moments away. As those moments of negativity in my life were filled with my Saviors love I began to feel happy for once in my life, I began to experience genuineness of me, genuine love for others, and a newfound happiness in the light of Jesus Christ in my life.
I am lucky to have found Ginger on my mission, the process she brought me through has made me who I am today, by helping me face those dark moments and bring in the Savior to help make those moments light, to give Him my yoke. I am not saying this works for everyone, nor am I saying everyone will get over their depression in their lifetime, but what I am saying is there is hope. For those who do not have Jesus Christ in their life, I am sure there are ways to help you still heal, ways of mediation, energy work, etc that can be of great use to you in your struggle of overcoming depression or PTSD.
I am not fully over all the things I have dealt with in my life. Upon returning from my mission I received more counseling and was dating a very wonderful gal. I found there were many insecurities I had about love because of my childhood experiences with how the definition of love was taught to me by my molesters. That is an example of how things will still come up for me, but I now have the tools to meet those head on, deal with those, and move forward. This doesn't mean there aren't moments I deal with depression, but I can definitely say they are brighter moments than the moments I had before my counseling.
I have a testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ and of his atoning sacrifice. He came to this earth to go through all things, he UNDERSTANDS what each and everyone of us go through, he has felt each of our pain and can help make our burdens light. His sacrifice wasn't to just take away our sin but to have a place we could set our yokes of negativity and live our lives to the fullest. Jesus is the Christ and he does live.
For those who struggle with depression or PTSD, or struggle in general in life, know that you have a friend here. You can call me anytime, day or night, and I will be there for you.
Others of you out there, be aware of what others around you may be going through. Depression isn't a choice one can make to just get out of it if they are feeling down. There are many friends I wish I could have been there at the moments they passed so I could tell them it gets better, there is hope, there is a life out of depression. If you really want to help someone with depression, when they are having a down moment, sometimes just being with them, not even talking helps, inviting them to something, or just sending them a text of something positive. Everyone is different who struggles with depression and those few suggestions are not conclusive, but be aware. Depression is typically stemmed because of something in life that has happened to an individual. It is not a choice, but I sure as hell wish it was. And exercising helps a little and to prove a point that it is not a cure for all depression, I ran throughout high school and into college, running an average of 5 miles a day for 10 years of life, it helps a little.
Because of my life experiences thus far, I have a great understanding of human suffering, I have been blessed with the ability to discern when someone needs something, the ability to know someones intentions, and a great capacity for love. I wouldn't change anything about my life.
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