I am Selfish!

Tonight, i did something I have never done before in my life, I severed a friendship, well...it wasn't exactly a friendship, it was a broken, dismantled, dating relationship, yea, super odd. This girl, who is an amazing person, has been written about in a previous post about drawing the line. I did do all I could to love her unconditionally and be there for her, etc, but as I continued I noticed I was being ignored and kicked to the curb, lied to, and taken advantage of.

I realized I had to severe this relationship before it ruined anything in my life, mainly my dating life. I soon learned that having her in my life was going to affect my future relationships as she would continue needing me and I would drop everything and run to her aid. I know that when I date a woman, she needs to know she is the only one that I love and care about deeply, so tonight, I severed the relationship.

She apologized to me for using me to fulfill her needs because she didn't have a support system. She said that she now has a good support system and would no longer need me, was I totally used, yes I was definitely used.  I regret nothing for being there for her, if anything I would have honestly regretted later in life not being there for her if she really needed me. Now at this point in life she can be on her own, if she really needs me, I can't be there, this seems so harsh, but I know it is for the best for me, my future relationships, and for her as well. Part of me feels evil for doing this, but I know that is only a small part of me and not the good conscience part of me.

Sometimes you need to do something for yourself, to help yourself out so you can do more for others.  Does this seem Christlike? Yes it does to me, to allow her to grow on her own, because I know I have a grand support system of friends who are there for me, but I know there are times I just tough it out and move on, and I have faith she will do the same. I do not feel as though I am going back on my word from my previous post of having no line, because I didn't draw a line here, I saw a line, for the one I will love in the future, and how I do not want to hurt them, nor will I hurt them by not allowing myself to let go and move on from this previous relationship.

I feel FREE, ALIVE, and I feel like a kid again. For those who know me, I really am a kid at heart and I feel so alive now, I bawled after because I felt so light, and felt as though I could once again, be the kid at heart that I am, ALIVE, VULNERABLE, AND TEACHABLE. It is truly a great feeling.

I feel absolutely no animosity towards this girl, I am filled with love, and part of me hurts, and has a small void, but in time that will soon heal, maybe a few days or a few weeks, but I feel it will be much shorter than expected as I rely on my Savior Jesus Christ to help me fill this void. I will never regret being there for someone, never, no never, will I forsake anyone in need.


Tonight, I was selfish, and did something for myself, but in the end it wasn't even for me, I did it because I want the next woman in my life to know I care and love them 100% and there is no one else.

“I have wept in the night
At my shortness of sight
That to others' needs made me blind,
But I never have yet
Had a twinge of regret
For being a little too kind.”

― C.R. Gibson