Sometimes I wonder

I wonder about the stars, and the light they give, so freely, the sun and all its glory and all it gives, and yet nothing in return is asked. Though the sun is there and shines bright, it can harm us, if we don't take care of ourselves.

I wonder about life, and why are we here, and where will we go, what is it really like to die? I have always wanted to die, one day, so I can know what it feels like to die, to take that last breath, and see what is on the other side. We have religion that helps us have faith in the next life, but I want to know for myself.

I wonder why people are sad, why some are glad, and why some never seem to feel anything. The thing is, I don't have to wonder, because I have been there.

I wonder where the time goes and who invented it and why we even have time, is it to make sense of something bigger than ourselves, something of a larger expanse that is incomprehensible to the human mind?

I wonder why we all can't just wait for the perfect person to come along, even if we have to die to wait to meet that person. I wonder why we can't have it easy, i wonder why we can't just live each of our own lives and then meet each other when we are perfect. Because we can't, we have to live with each other and grow with each other so we can become perfect.

I wonder about my own life, what meaning is there, what have I done to help others, and has it really made an impact?

I wonder if I didn't help that one person one day what would have happened to their life, am I responsible if I don't help someone and some sort of ill befalls them? The thought makes my bones shiver.

I wonder about love, if it can be found, and why would we find love and have it just taken away for no reason, no explanation, just snatched away.

I wonder about God and his love, how much he cares for me, and what have I done to deserve this, and what can I do to help others feel this love?

I wonder about the expanse of the universe, who is there, and why.

I wonder why life is so hard, and then I see the joy after the dark.

I wonder if some people will ever see the joy after the dark, at least in this life.

I wonder above the human race and how much can I do to help everyone. Sometimes I feel so hopeless in my dreams of wanting to help everyone to feel loved.

I wonder if suffering of all can be relieved in this world.

I wonder if peace is possible.

I wonder what happens when a pebble is dropped in the water and the ripples go out, do the ripples keep going forever?

I wonder about light, and when I turn on a light will it stay in the universe forever?

I wonder sometimes about life, love, happiness, religion, my life and my goals. I wonder if it will all be alright, if all my dreams will come true, and if I will find love, the one thing all human kind desires, is love, and that is all we desire to give in the end is love.

Afraid of Love?

I have been thinking a lot lately why some people seem to be so afraid of love, why people seem to shy away from what they say they want, and go for what they say they don't want. I am reminded of the old adage "you don't want what you say you want." They say that the nice guys finish last, and I have always wondered why, and I feel I know why now.

As people grow up they create perceptions of what love is, they have experiences with love that are not the best, (now this isn't everyone, but many people have experiences similar). When people who have had not the greatest time with love growing up, these could have been experiences where a parent or someone they loved betrayed them in some fashion, or treated them not so lovingly, but these experiences then become what the person seeks for in love. People will form perceptions of what they want in a future spouse, what they want them to do, and how they want them to be, these fantasies are what they seek after. When they finally meet someone who fulfills these fantasies, who truly loves them they run away, and the good guy, or good gal, loses. Then they run to the guy or gal who loves them the way they are use to, which isn't real love, which is a skewed perception of love, but they are comfortable there, because they don't feel the anxiety they did over something that was new.

Why would they run away from what they have always fantasized about? Why wouldn't they be running towards the one they have always wanted in their dreams? The result of all of these is anxiety. Anxiety is non-tangible, and vague, where as fear is specific and tangible, but all fear is based off of anxiety, and as a result of the average human being unable to cope with vagueness they create something that is tangible. An example is a girl is falling in love with a guy, he adores her and vice versa, and then one day, as things become more real for her, she decides to break up with him over the idea that he walks funny. She was having anxiety over a loving relationship, of feeling truly loved, and possibly the situation turning into marriage, and as a result of her anxiety she placed it upon something, though ridiculous as her excuse is, it is merely a front to what she was really feeling that resulted in the breakup.

Anxiety is a powerful adversary in relationships, and the way for one to overcome this anxiety is to recognize it for what it is, and to tackle the problem head on. This is not an easy task, this requires that both parties in the loving relationship stay vulnerable with each other, open about their feelings, and a determination to move forward despite ones anxieties. It is unfair to both parties in a relationship for one to abandon the other over an anxiety that is merely just that, anxiety. Many loving relationships could be saved and move on to more important relationships in this life if more people were committed to just stick it through, overcome their anxieties, and love, and allow themselves to be loved. I feel that is where the most vulnerability comes in, allowing ourselves to be loved.

Often times when one is feeling by another, they put up walls, they stop acting like the person the other loved in a defense that hopefully the other person will stop loving them and move on. It is a defense so they don't get hurt like they did before by someone who loved them.

Through determination all things can be overcome, but people need to learn to just make a decision and go for it, just full on go for it, and unless there is a true red flag, make the relationship work. Learning to recognize our own anxieties and why we are reacting the way we are in a loving relationship can make all the difference between something working out and not working out.

A few good reads for you all that will make this blog post more clear.

Why am I Still Single?

http://www.psychalive.org/why-am-i-still-single/

You Don't Want What you say you Want

http://www.psychalive.org/you-dont-want-what-you-say-you-want/

Where is the line?

Lately in my life there has been someone who has been going through a very hard time. A dear friend of mine. That friend of mine has been through a lot in her life and she has been struggling lately with a lot of things, many things which she hasn't shared with me, that she used to share with me, she has been shutting me out, slowly. I have struggled with this as of late, as I know she loves me, and I know I love her, (just so everyone knows, this is not a girlfriend), but she is pushing me away, and I am finding it very difficult to keep moving forward.

This last week was by far the hardest week of my life in regards to loving another human being, there were things done by this wonderful woman, that hurt me, she didn't mean to, but it really hurt, and it pushed my limits in my struggles of where do I draw the line, or is there even a line when it comes to loving someone. At what point do I look out for myself and draw a line, or do I continue to love her, care for her, and do all I can to show her how much she means to me, how much I care about her, and show that I will never leave no matter how bad it may get, because I know she is struggling.

I had a church leader inform me I should move on from her in my life, because of the hurt I am feeling. I know my church leader cares for me deeply and is watching out for me, but I can't do what he informed me to do, this is the only time in my life I have ever felt conflicted by council given to me by a church leader. This girl is struggling, she really is, I saw her the other morning, briefly, and I could see the pain in her eyes, but she isn't letting me in like she used to.

I have determined it doesn't matter anymore, there is NO LINE, neither will I draw a line, but the line I will draw will consist of four letters, and those four letters are L-O-V-E. I am determined to show her that it doesn't matter how "broken"she may think she is sometimes, or how much she is struggling, I am there, and I will never leave. I will draw a line of no conditions, I will not love her on any sort of condition, I will love her because I do love her. I will focus on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and press forward, doing all I can to help this wonderful daughter of God through her difficult times, and as I focus on my Lord and Savior, I will receive the strength I need to overcome any of the things that happen that I may feel hurt by, because I know she doesn't mean to as she learns to cope with what love really is.

I testify that as we focus on our Lord and Savior we will gain a different perspective of those around us, we will receive strength beyond our own to light the way and allow us to be there for those who are struggling, even if we are struggling.