Afraid of Love?

I have been thinking a lot lately why some people seem to be so afraid of love, why people seem to shy away from what they say they want, and go for what they say they don't want. I am reminded of the old adage "you don't want what you say you want." They say that the nice guys finish last, and I have always wondered why, and I feel I know why now.

As people grow up they create perceptions of what love is, they have experiences with love that are not the best, (now this isn't everyone, but many people have experiences similar). When people who have had not the greatest time with love growing up, these could have been experiences where a parent or someone they loved betrayed them in some fashion, or treated them not so lovingly, but these experiences then become what the person seeks for in love. People will form perceptions of what they want in a future spouse, what they want them to do, and how they want them to be, these fantasies are what they seek after. When they finally meet someone who fulfills these fantasies, who truly loves them they run away, and the good guy, or good gal, loses. Then they run to the guy or gal who loves them the way they are use to, which isn't real love, which is a skewed perception of love, but they are comfortable there, because they don't feel the anxiety they did over something that was new.

Why would they run away from what they have always fantasized about? Why wouldn't they be running towards the one they have always wanted in their dreams? The result of all of these is anxiety. Anxiety is non-tangible, and vague, where as fear is specific and tangible, but all fear is based off of anxiety, and as a result of the average human being unable to cope with vagueness they create something that is tangible. An example is a girl is falling in love with a guy, he adores her and vice versa, and then one day, as things become more real for her, she decides to break up with him over the idea that he walks funny. She was having anxiety over a loving relationship, of feeling truly loved, and possibly the situation turning into marriage, and as a result of her anxiety she placed it upon something, though ridiculous as her excuse is, it is merely a front to what she was really feeling that resulted in the breakup.

Anxiety is a powerful adversary in relationships, and the way for one to overcome this anxiety is to recognize it for what it is, and to tackle the problem head on. This is not an easy task, this requires that both parties in the loving relationship stay vulnerable with each other, open about their feelings, and a determination to move forward despite ones anxieties. It is unfair to both parties in a relationship for one to abandon the other over an anxiety that is merely just that, anxiety. Many loving relationships could be saved and move on to more important relationships in this life if more people were committed to just stick it through, overcome their anxieties, and love, and allow themselves to be loved. I feel that is where the most vulnerability comes in, allowing ourselves to be loved.

Often times when one is feeling by another, they put up walls, they stop acting like the person the other loved in a defense that hopefully the other person will stop loving them and move on. It is a defense so they don't get hurt like they did before by someone who loved them.

Through determination all things can be overcome, but people need to learn to just make a decision and go for it, just full on go for it, and unless there is a true red flag, make the relationship work. Learning to recognize our own anxieties and why we are reacting the way we are in a loving relationship can make all the difference between something working out and not working out.

A few good reads for you all that will make this blog post more clear.

Why am I Still Single?

http://www.psychalive.org/why-am-i-still-single/

You Don't Want What you say you Want

http://www.psychalive.org/you-dont-want-what-you-say-you-want/