Slowdown and Become.......

The last few weeks I spent working in California on a house for my business partners brother. My business partner, Mark, has over 30 years of experience in the construction industry and I am learning a lot from him everyday. On one particular day this last week Mark gave me the following advice "William, slowdown and become a craftsman."

Today while in church, I went to a different ward than usual because I was too exhausted to go to my typical 9am sacrament meeting. During the passing of the bread and water the young man (about 12 years old) had two trays and was very efficient at getting his section, the bread and water. I could tell he would time the one tray just right with the passing of the other tray so no one was waiting for him to come and grab it and then it was off to the next row of folks. This young man I could tell had a great love for people as he would smile very politely and even wave to a few of them on a row, but he also got frustrated with people when they didn't seem to do things very efficiently in passing the tray down the row. While he was doing this I wanted to say to him "slowdown and become the Master."

As I said these words to this young man in my own head, I realized I really need that advice in my life. To slowdown and become more like my Savior Jesus Christ. I do so many things in my life that I don't know how I keep up at all, and sometimes I don't keep up, I just tread water and try and get through it. I currently own a construction company that I am actively seeking to build into a large business, a land developing company I am trying to also build, an outdoor marketing company that is launching very soon, a wonderful church calling, and a volunteer for Team Rubicon as their programs coordinator, oh and Adventures With Will, and....not to mention all the adventures I go on and the climbing I do and workouts.

Here I am, doing all of these things, accomplishing a lot, seeking bigger and loftier goals, doing a lot of good things. What I really realized today, is I need to focus more on becoming like my Savior, this doesn't mean I haven't had things I am working on to be more Christlike, but with everything going on I haven't left myself enough time to focus more on being like Christ. I haven't done enough to slowdown and really look at myself and make myself more into being who Heavenly Father wants me to be. All the things I am doing will take care of themselves and are material in comparison to becoming more like Christ, for that is Eternal Life.

For those who are doing a lot in their life, this advice I give, slow down and become who you want to become. Become the master of your skill. Hence the reason of the title "slowdown and become....." It is up to you who and what you become, and I have chosen to be more like my Savior Jesus Christ.

Many of us have a desire to do it all, and I am very guilty of this, but to slowdown and enjoy the journey a little bit more, to really focus on becoming a better person and not just accomplishing a list, is something that will stick with each of us forever. If we are very successful and we are jerks because we didn't take the time to become a better person, then our success won't matter. Slowdown and enjoy yourself a little bit more and the journey.

P.S. If you haven't sat and just watched a sunrise or sunset lately, I highly recommend you go and do it, nothing is more rejuvenating.

Should I Give-up and Quit?

"If life gives you lemons, use them to hit the obstacles in your way." 

"Trials are about perspective, not comparison."

For the past year I have run my own company in the hopes of retiring at the age of 40 so I could go and serve missions for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, with my family, for the rest of my life. I wouldn't say I thought it would be easy setting out on this journey, but I definitely didn't expect it to be so hard either.

Recently I took a project in Colorado, and brought one of my best friends along so he could share in the spoils of the project. We were suppose to tear down two homes on a property, we figured it would take not so much time, and we would be on our way home with some good cash in our pockets. Here is the list of what happened.

What Happened on This Project

1. there were large steel I-beams under one house because it was a modular home, the company hiring us didn't tell us about this, nor told me it was a modular home, nor did they take pictures of the steel, these things are huge and cumbersome to get rid of. 
2. The company informed me it would take 3-4 dumpsters to get rid of the material, when in reality it was going to take 10 dumpsters.
3. The house had been burned in a fire, part of it and it made it very precarious to demolish, as the money they were willing to pay didn't really allow for a large piece of equipment to be rented we resorted to destroying this thing by hand, so it was a little precarious, and we thought we could do it. 
4. After having worked for 72 hours straight, after already having spent a week on it, yes you read that right, non-stop for 72 hours, I was about to lose it. 
5. When it came time for the cleanup phase, we realized we weren't going to make the deadline, and that it would require a lot more money to get this done right. There were short cuts we could have taken such as burying a lot of the material, but it isn't right to do that. 
6. I quit, and came home and left the job incomplete, something I have never done in my life before. Because I realized I hadn't kept my priorities (in the business sense). 

I came out of this project in the negative by a lot, not just a little but a lot. It really makes me wonder if any of this is worth it anymore. In the last year since starting my business (which before I started my business I was offered a good salaried position with a company in Colorado, with a truck allowance, benefits, bonus, etc.) I walked away from that offer because I felt the Lord wanted me to start a business, and it has only been hell ever since, haha, is it really worth it? Lets sum up the last year. 

The Highlights of 2014

1. I made less money than I have since I was 16 years old. Excluding the mission. 
2. I have had to ask people for money (I have never done that in my life)
3. I have had to go without some simple things (which also has never happened)
4. I had my truck engine seize, a car light on fire, and my other car messed up by a mechanic (luckily I got my last car fixed). 

Those are the major events for this last year, which when put together are really tough to deal with. I have learned a lot along the way, and some days I just want to die because it is so tough, I know it will be worth it in the end. That doesn't make anything any easier. 

The Reasons I am Doing This Still

1. Have felt for a very long time the Lord wants me to prepare myself financially so I can serve him in whatever capacity he sees fit. 
2. I have a desire to do all I can to relieve human suffering
3. I desire to be with my children, to spend time with them, and help my wife raise the children rather than be at a job 9-5 so I can just provide them with money. My desire is to be there with my children, to raise them to serve the Lord and to do good in the world. 
4. I want to raise my kids in the mission field, wherever that may be, I think it would be a wonderful way to raise my children. 

Things I Learned This Last Year

1. I have AMAZING friends! They have been there for me so much this past year and I couldn't have done any of this without them. 
2. My family has been a huge support to me throughout this ordeal. 
3. I have learned to humble myself enough that I can ask for help from others and allow others to know my burdens and share in those burdens with me. 
4. Most of what I go through is swept away when I see a post from a friend on Facebook saying their friend passed away, I would rather go through what I am going through than lose a dear friend or family member. 
5. The Lord always provides and sometimes he provides through friends, and sometimes I just have to ask. 
6. I am where I am suppose to be, though almost everyday I want to just quit and get a regular job and not worry about it anymore. 
7. Most people aren't cut out for this, especially if I was dating someone, I have realized I am cut out to be an Entrepreneur, but that doesn't mean those of whom I date, or possibly marry have what it takes, its not easy to find someone who is okay with the tough times like this in order to gain a greater reward. 

Yes, things are super difficult because of this, I have stretched myself thin on multiple occasions, and it was because I stretched myself thin on this last job that I had to walk away because I hadn't kept my business priorities straight, which is okay, you win some and you lose some. 

I know it will all be worth it in the end, I have a land deal that if all goes well, this will all be history, to some extent and things will be easier, but that is the life of being an Entrepreneur, it will be easier once this happens, or this, and it just keeps getting harder sometimes, but if I am to serve the Lord, I must go through the refiners fire, and sometimes it doesn't look half bad when I see the trials of others, but then again it is all about perspective. 

Repentance is Real.

A poem on repentance I wrote some years ago.  I testify that the atonement is for each and everyone one of us. No matter how far along we are in our progress there is always something the Lord can help us do. Jesus didn't come to just help us when we sinned, but any negative thing in this life, Jesus Christ is there to help us, to help us become more like our Heavenly Father. Any negative thoughts we have about ourselves, others, negative things done to us, all of these things can be overcome through the Atonement of our Savior. I know it, I have experienced it, I no longer have faith that the Atonement works, I have a knowledge, because I know, I too have been on a dark path, and seen the light. Start using your savior today to help you in your life and your journey towards your becoming more like your Heavenly Father.

Set me free form this world of wo
Set me free I pray
Set me free from my misery
Set me free form my pain
Set me free I pray

I have sinned my lord
Once again,
I have done it once more.

What shall I do
how long till that morning,
that morning of brilliance forever?

I don't know if I can go on,
I am nothing, I am miserable,
I am lost, afraid, lonely.

Where is the spirit,
where is the friendship I once had
It is gone, where art thou?

I plead with the Lord,
Where are you,
where am I?

"my child, my child
you are not alone
for I am always with thee

Be not discouraged,
for I have drunk-
of the bitter cup for thee.

The sorrow you feel is Godly,
the pain you feel is natural
the sin you have is forgiven.

Do not give up
do not give up,
that brilliant morning will come.

Come dear child, come
for when the war is past,
friands at first, will be friends again at last.

At last, at the brilliant morning, I will embrace you, and say:
"Welcome home my child, thy work is done,
you are forgiven, I have suffered, the debt is paid.""

I am Selfish!

Tonight, i did something I have never done before in my life, I severed a friendship, well...it wasn't exactly a friendship, it was a broken, dismantled, dating relationship, yea, super odd. This girl, who is an amazing person, has been written about in a previous post about drawing the line. I did do all I could to love her unconditionally and be there for her, etc, but as I continued I noticed I was being ignored and kicked to the curb, lied to, and taken advantage of.

I realized I had to severe this relationship before it ruined anything in my life, mainly my dating life. I soon learned that having her in my life was going to affect my future relationships as she would continue needing me and I would drop everything and run to her aid. I know that when I date a woman, she needs to know she is the only one that I love and care about deeply, so tonight, I severed the relationship.

She apologized to me for using me to fulfill her needs because she didn't have a support system. She said that she now has a good support system and would no longer need me, was I totally used, yes I was definitely used.  I regret nothing for being there for her, if anything I would have honestly regretted later in life not being there for her if she really needed me. Now at this point in life she can be on her own, if she really needs me, I can't be there, this seems so harsh, but I know it is for the best for me, my future relationships, and for her as well. Part of me feels evil for doing this, but I know that is only a small part of me and not the good conscience part of me.

Sometimes you need to do something for yourself, to help yourself out so you can do more for others.  Does this seem Christlike? Yes it does to me, to allow her to grow on her own, because I know I have a grand support system of friends who are there for me, but I know there are times I just tough it out and move on, and I have faith she will do the same. I do not feel as though I am going back on my word from my previous post of having no line, because I didn't draw a line here, I saw a line, for the one I will love in the future, and how I do not want to hurt them, nor will I hurt them by not allowing myself to let go and move on from this previous relationship.

I feel FREE, ALIVE, and I feel like a kid again. For those who know me, I really am a kid at heart and I feel so alive now, I bawled after because I felt so light, and felt as though I could once again, be the kid at heart that I am, ALIVE, VULNERABLE, AND TEACHABLE. It is truly a great feeling.

I feel absolutely no animosity towards this girl, I am filled with love, and part of me hurts, and has a small void, but in time that will soon heal, maybe a few days or a few weeks, but I feel it will be much shorter than expected as I rely on my Savior Jesus Christ to help me fill this void. I will never regret being there for someone, never, no never, will I forsake anyone in need.


Tonight, I was selfish, and did something for myself, but in the end it wasn't even for me, I did it because I want the next woman in my life to know I care and love them 100% and there is no one else.

“I have wept in the night
At my shortness of sight
That to others' needs made me blind,
But I never have yet
Had a twinge of regret
For being a little too kind.”

― C.R. Gibson

Sometimes I wonder

I wonder about the stars, and the light they give, so freely, the sun and all its glory and all it gives, and yet nothing in return is asked. Though the sun is there and shines bright, it can harm us, if we don't take care of ourselves.

I wonder about life, and why are we here, and where will we go, what is it really like to die? I have always wanted to die, one day, so I can know what it feels like to die, to take that last breath, and see what is on the other side. We have religion that helps us have faith in the next life, but I want to know for myself.

I wonder why people are sad, why some are glad, and why some never seem to feel anything. The thing is, I don't have to wonder, because I have been there.

I wonder where the time goes and who invented it and why we even have time, is it to make sense of something bigger than ourselves, something of a larger expanse that is incomprehensible to the human mind?

I wonder why we all can't just wait for the perfect person to come along, even if we have to die to wait to meet that person. I wonder why we can't have it easy, i wonder why we can't just live each of our own lives and then meet each other when we are perfect. Because we can't, we have to live with each other and grow with each other so we can become perfect.

I wonder about my own life, what meaning is there, what have I done to help others, and has it really made an impact?

I wonder if I didn't help that one person one day what would have happened to their life, am I responsible if I don't help someone and some sort of ill befalls them? The thought makes my bones shiver.

I wonder about love, if it can be found, and why would we find love and have it just taken away for no reason, no explanation, just snatched away.

I wonder about God and his love, how much he cares for me, and what have I done to deserve this, and what can I do to help others feel this love?

I wonder about the expanse of the universe, who is there, and why.

I wonder why life is so hard, and then I see the joy after the dark.

I wonder if some people will ever see the joy after the dark, at least in this life.

I wonder above the human race and how much can I do to help everyone. Sometimes I feel so hopeless in my dreams of wanting to help everyone to feel loved.

I wonder if suffering of all can be relieved in this world.

I wonder if peace is possible.

I wonder what happens when a pebble is dropped in the water and the ripples go out, do the ripples keep going forever?

I wonder about light, and when I turn on a light will it stay in the universe forever?

I wonder sometimes about life, love, happiness, religion, my life and my goals. I wonder if it will all be alright, if all my dreams will come true, and if I will find love, the one thing all human kind desires, is love, and that is all we desire to give in the end is love.

Afraid of Love?

I have been thinking a lot lately why some people seem to be so afraid of love, why people seem to shy away from what they say they want, and go for what they say they don't want. I am reminded of the old adage "you don't want what you say you want." They say that the nice guys finish last, and I have always wondered why, and I feel I know why now.

As people grow up they create perceptions of what love is, they have experiences with love that are not the best, (now this isn't everyone, but many people have experiences similar). When people who have had not the greatest time with love growing up, these could have been experiences where a parent or someone they loved betrayed them in some fashion, or treated them not so lovingly, but these experiences then become what the person seeks for in love. People will form perceptions of what they want in a future spouse, what they want them to do, and how they want them to be, these fantasies are what they seek after. When they finally meet someone who fulfills these fantasies, who truly loves them they run away, and the good guy, or good gal, loses. Then they run to the guy or gal who loves them the way they are use to, which isn't real love, which is a skewed perception of love, but they are comfortable there, because they don't feel the anxiety they did over something that was new.

Why would they run away from what they have always fantasized about? Why wouldn't they be running towards the one they have always wanted in their dreams? The result of all of these is anxiety. Anxiety is non-tangible, and vague, where as fear is specific and tangible, but all fear is based off of anxiety, and as a result of the average human being unable to cope with vagueness they create something that is tangible. An example is a girl is falling in love with a guy, he adores her and vice versa, and then one day, as things become more real for her, she decides to break up with him over the idea that he walks funny. She was having anxiety over a loving relationship, of feeling truly loved, and possibly the situation turning into marriage, and as a result of her anxiety she placed it upon something, though ridiculous as her excuse is, it is merely a front to what she was really feeling that resulted in the breakup.

Anxiety is a powerful adversary in relationships, and the way for one to overcome this anxiety is to recognize it for what it is, and to tackle the problem head on. This is not an easy task, this requires that both parties in the loving relationship stay vulnerable with each other, open about their feelings, and a determination to move forward despite ones anxieties. It is unfair to both parties in a relationship for one to abandon the other over an anxiety that is merely just that, anxiety. Many loving relationships could be saved and move on to more important relationships in this life if more people were committed to just stick it through, overcome their anxieties, and love, and allow themselves to be loved. I feel that is where the most vulnerability comes in, allowing ourselves to be loved.

Often times when one is feeling by another, they put up walls, they stop acting like the person the other loved in a defense that hopefully the other person will stop loving them and move on. It is a defense so they don't get hurt like they did before by someone who loved them.

Through determination all things can be overcome, but people need to learn to just make a decision and go for it, just full on go for it, and unless there is a true red flag, make the relationship work. Learning to recognize our own anxieties and why we are reacting the way we are in a loving relationship can make all the difference between something working out and not working out.

A few good reads for you all that will make this blog post more clear.

Why am I Still Single?

http://www.psychalive.org/why-am-i-still-single/

You Don't Want What you say you Want

http://www.psychalive.org/you-dont-want-what-you-say-you-want/

Where is the line?

Lately in my life there has been someone who has been going through a very hard time. A dear friend of mine. That friend of mine has been through a lot in her life and she has been struggling lately with a lot of things, many things which she hasn't shared with me, that she used to share with me, she has been shutting me out, slowly. I have struggled with this as of late, as I know she loves me, and I know I love her, (just so everyone knows, this is not a girlfriend), but she is pushing me away, and I am finding it very difficult to keep moving forward.

This last week was by far the hardest week of my life in regards to loving another human being, there were things done by this wonderful woman, that hurt me, she didn't mean to, but it really hurt, and it pushed my limits in my struggles of where do I draw the line, or is there even a line when it comes to loving someone. At what point do I look out for myself and draw a line, or do I continue to love her, care for her, and do all I can to show her how much she means to me, how much I care about her, and show that I will never leave no matter how bad it may get, because I know she is struggling.

I had a church leader inform me I should move on from her in my life, because of the hurt I am feeling. I know my church leader cares for me deeply and is watching out for me, but I can't do what he informed me to do, this is the only time in my life I have ever felt conflicted by council given to me by a church leader. This girl is struggling, she really is, I saw her the other morning, briefly, and I could see the pain in her eyes, but she isn't letting me in like she used to.

I have determined it doesn't matter anymore, there is NO LINE, neither will I draw a line, but the line I will draw will consist of four letters, and those four letters are L-O-V-E. I am determined to show her that it doesn't matter how "broken"she may think she is sometimes, or how much she is struggling, I am there, and I will never leave. I will draw a line of no conditions, I will not love her on any sort of condition, I will love her because I do love her. I will focus on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and press forward, doing all I can to help this wonderful daughter of God through her difficult times, and as I focus on my Lord and Savior, I will receive the strength I need to overcome any of the things that happen that I may feel hurt by, because I know she doesn't mean to as she learns to cope with what love really is.

I testify that as we focus on our Lord and Savior we will gain a different perspective of those around us, we will receive strength beyond our own to light the way and allow us to be there for those who are struggling, even if we are struggling.