Sometimes I wonder

I wonder about the stars, and the light they give, so freely, the sun and all its glory and all it gives, and yet nothing in return is asked. Though the sun is there and shines bright, it can harm us, if we don't take care of ourselves.

I wonder about life, and why are we here, and where will we go, what is it really like to die? I have always wanted to die, one day, so I can know what it feels like to die, to take that last breath, and see what is on the other side. We have religion that helps us have faith in the next life, but I want to know for myself.

I wonder why people are sad, why some are glad, and why some never seem to feel anything. The thing is, I don't have to wonder, because I have been there.

I wonder where the time goes and who invented it and why we even have time, is it to make sense of something bigger than ourselves, something of a larger expanse that is incomprehensible to the human mind?

I wonder why we all can't just wait for the perfect person to come along, even if we have to die to wait to meet that person. I wonder why we can't have it easy, i wonder why we can't just live each of our own lives and then meet each other when we are perfect. Because we can't, we have to live with each other and grow with each other so we can become perfect.

I wonder about my own life, what meaning is there, what have I done to help others, and has it really made an impact?

I wonder if I didn't help that one person one day what would have happened to their life, am I responsible if I don't help someone and some sort of ill befalls them? The thought makes my bones shiver.

I wonder about love, if it can be found, and why would we find love and have it just taken away for no reason, no explanation, just snatched away.

I wonder about God and his love, how much he cares for me, and what have I done to deserve this, and what can I do to help others feel this love?

I wonder about the expanse of the universe, who is there, and why.

I wonder why life is so hard, and then I see the joy after the dark.

I wonder if some people will ever see the joy after the dark, at least in this life.

I wonder above the human race and how much can I do to help everyone. Sometimes I feel so hopeless in my dreams of wanting to help everyone to feel loved.

I wonder if suffering of all can be relieved in this world.

I wonder if peace is possible.

I wonder what happens when a pebble is dropped in the water and the ripples go out, do the ripples keep going forever?

I wonder about light, and when I turn on a light will it stay in the universe forever?

I wonder sometimes about life, love, happiness, religion, my life and my goals. I wonder if it will all be alright, if all my dreams will come true, and if I will find love, the one thing all human kind desires, is love, and that is all we desire to give in the end is love.

Afraid of Love?

I have been thinking a lot lately why some people seem to be so afraid of love, why people seem to shy away from what they say they want, and go for what they say they don't want. I am reminded of the old adage "you don't want what you say you want." They say that the nice guys finish last, and I have always wondered why, and I feel I know why now.

As people grow up they create perceptions of what love is, they have experiences with love that are not the best, (now this isn't everyone, but many people have experiences similar). When people who have had not the greatest time with love growing up, these could have been experiences where a parent or someone they loved betrayed them in some fashion, or treated them not so lovingly, but these experiences then become what the person seeks for in love. People will form perceptions of what they want in a future spouse, what they want them to do, and how they want them to be, these fantasies are what they seek after. When they finally meet someone who fulfills these fantasies, who truly loves them they run away, and the good guy, or good gal, loses. Then they run to the guy or gal who loves them the way they are use to, which isn't real love, which is a skewed perception of love, but they are comfortable there, because they don't feel the anxiety they did over something that was new.

Why would they run away from what they have always fantasized about? Why wouldn't they be running towards the one they have always wanted in their dreams? The result of all of these is anxiety. Anxiety is non-tangible, and vague, where as fear is specific and tangible, but all fear is based off of anxiety, and as a result of the average human being unable to cope with vagueness they create something that is tangible. An example is a girl is falling in love with a guy, he adores her and vice versa, and then one day, as things become more real for her, she decides to break up with him over the idea that he walks funny. She was having anxiety over a loving relationship, of feeling truly loved, and possibly the situation turning into marriage, and as a result of her anxiety she placed it upon something, though ridiculous as her excuse is, it is merely a front to what she was really feeling that resulted in the breakup.

Anxiety is a powerful adversary in relationships, and the way for one to overcome this anxiety is to recognize it for what it is, and to tackle the problem head on. This is not an easy task, this requires that both parties in the loving relationship stay vulnerable with each other, open about their feelings, and a determination to move forward despite ones anxieties. It is unfair to both parties in a relationship for one to abandon the other over an anxiety that is merely just that, anxiety. Many loving relationships could be saved and move on to more important relationships in this life if more people were committed to just stick it through, overcome their anxieties, and love, and allow themselves to be loved. I feel that is where the most vulnerability comes in, allowing ourselves to be loved.

Often times when one is feeling by another, they put up walls, they stop acting like the person the other loved in a defense that hopefully the other person will stop loving them and move on. It is a defense so they don't get hurt like they did before by someone who loved them.

Through determination all things can be overcome, but people need to learn to just make a decision and go for it, just full on go for it, and unless there is a true red flag, make the relationship work. Learning to recognize our own anxieties and why we are reacting the way we are in a loving relationship can make all the difference between something working out and not working out.

A few good reads for you all that will make this blog post more clear.

Why am I Still Single?

http://www.psychalive.org/why-am-i-still-single/

You Don't Want What you say you Want

http://www.psychalive.org/you-dont-want-what-you-say-you-want/

Where is the line?

Lately in my life there has been someone who has been going through a very hard time. A dear friend of mine. That friend of mine has been through a lot in her life and she has been struggling lately with a lot of things, many things which she hasn't shared with me, that she used to share with me, she has been shutting me out, slowly. I have struggled with this as of late, as I know she loves me, and I know I love her, (just so everyone knows, this is not a girlfriend), but she is pushing me away, and I am finding it very difficult to keep moving forward.

This last week was by far the hardest week of my life in regards to loving another human being, there were things done by this wonderful woman, that hurt me, she didn't mean to, but it really hurt, and it pushed my limits in my struggles of where do I draw the line, or is there even a line when it comes to loving someone. At what point do I look out for myself and draw a line, or do I continue to love her, care for her, and do all I can to show her how much she means to me, how much I care about her, and show that I will never leave no matter how bad it may get, because I know she is struggling.

I had a church leader inform me I should move on from her in my life, because of the hurt I am feeling. I know my church leader cares for me deeply and is watching out for me, but I can't do what he informed me to do, this is the only time in my life I have ever felt conflicted by council given to me by a church leader. This girl is struggling, she really is, I saw her the other morning, briefly, and I could see the pain in her eyes, but she isn't letting me in like she used to.

I have determined it doesn't matter anymore, there is NO LINE, neither will I draw a line, but the line I will draw will consist of four letters, and those four letters are L-O-V-E. I am determined to show her that it doesn't matter how "broken"she may think she is sometimes, or how much she is struggling, I am there, and I will never leave. I will draw a line of no conditions, I will not love her on any sort of condition, I will love her because I do love her. I will focus on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and press forward, doing all I can to help this wonderful daughter of God through her difficult times, and as I focus on my Lord and Savior, I will receive the strength I need to overcome any of the things that happen that I may feel hurt by, because I know she doesn't mean to as she learns to cope with what love really is.

I testify that as we focus on our Lord and Savior we will gain a different perspective of those around us, we will receive strength beyond our own to light the way and allow us to be there for those who are struggling, even if we are struggling.

Depression isn't easy

Tonight after watching the movie Hook in honor of Robin Williams, I reflect upon the life he lived. I didn't know he struggled with depression, until I heard about him taking his own life. It is a tragic thing to learn of the death of a person, who couldn't see a way out, and decided to take their life. I have had friends take their own lives because of things they struggled with. I had a friend, she struggled with manic bi-polar disorder, and she took her own life many years ago, because she wanted to be free of the pills she had to take to just be herself.

Depression is something we don't often discuss, and I am not really sure why, I know why i don't speak of it, and that is because I don't want others worrying about me. Tonight I feel I must share my feelings on the subject, and I will be sharing some really personal things in this blog post that I have not shared with an audience larger than a close friend, but I feel it is time I do so. I do so reluctantly, but I feel prompted to do so.

I have struggled with depression for many years of life, I have also struggled with mild PTSD. During my growing up years I was molested till the age of 8. This was the cause of my depression and PTSD, I received counseling while growing up, but to no avail, nothing worked, medications seemed to help slightly, but I continued to have issues with anger, love, and probably an assortment of other things. There were many times I have contemplated taking my own life, sometimes even going so far as to take an entire bottle of my prescription medication. I have been saved many times from actually following through, something inside of me never allowed me to move forward with those thoughts.

The reason I had these issues was because of what I was taught while I was young by those who molested me, how worthless I was, how terrible I was, how it was all my fault, etc. There were always kind strangers, and my own mother was a big help through all of this. I love my mom dearly and any single person who may say anything about how could this have gone on till I was 8 if my mom really cared, will definitely be getting an email from me, if not a personal visit and lets see if you have the courage to face me then. I whole heartedly defend my mother and may in the future write a post about her, and where she has come from and who she is today.

Growing up was difficult, I was bullied by many in my growing up years, until high school. People can see a beaten down person and sometimes they feel the need to beat a little further, and I too was guilty of this at times because of my need to feel power over someone because of all the years of helplessness I felt on my part.

My life wasn't all darkness growing up, despite struggling with depression and mild PTSD, there were many wonderful moments. I have many friends to thank for the help they gave me, for the smiles, the unspoken support and love, for putting up with me at my low times and helping me along.

It is interesting to note that throughout my life I have always been there for others, I have been seen as the one who didn't need help, but as the one who could help. For me, helping others is what helped me, talking to friends about suicide, the abuse they went through, the struggles they were having, for some reason helping ease another's burdens only eased mine. I have also seemed to be one that people went to for advice, at a young age I would have people many years my elder that would ask me my opinion on things. I am not here to gloat but to wonder, and to tell a story about my struggle.

While dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide for many years and mild PTSD, I continued on in life, having many ups and downs. To help ease the pain of my early childhood and to help deal with my PTSD and depression I would often turn to pornography as my drug of choice. Many do not know that I have struggled with pornography in the past, and it is difficult enough to mention here that I even have, but I feel by the spirit of God it is okay for me to share this. Pornography is not different from any other drug, no worse, no better, it was my drug of choice. I know many of you as you read these last few sentences will think to yourselves "I had no idea." That is right, you had no idea, I have always wanted to come off as strong, resilient, and not needing the help of others, but the truth of the matter as I continued in my pornography addiction I only spiraled deeper and deeper into depression, and needed help. It was the continued cycle of viewing, feeling horrible, and viewing again to get rid of the horrible feeling. Now this doesn't mean it was every waking moment of every waking day, feelings of inadequateness and depression can be underlying and not necessarily on the surface for them to make a manifestation in the form of a desire for a drug many days later.

For many years I struggled with this addiction. I went on to serve a mission, and that is when things changed for me. I struggled with depression, anger, and love as a missionary. One day in one of my areas I had a feeling I should tell my mission president I wanted to receive professional counseling. He referred me to a counselor named Ginger. The counseling I received there helped me to bring the light of Jesus Christ into my darkest moments in my life. To face those moments with my Lord and Savior and wipe those moments away. As those moments of negativity in my life were filled with my Saviors love I began to feel happy for once in my life, I began to experience genuineness of me, genuine love for others, and a newfound happiness in the light of Jesus Christ in my life.

I am lucky to have found Ginger on my mission, the process she brought me through has made me who I am today, by helping me face those dark moments and bring in the Savior to help make those moments light, to give Him my yoke. I am not saying this works for everyone, nor am I saying everyone will get over their depression in their lifetime, but what I am saying is there is hope. For those who do not have Jesus Christ in their life, I am sure there are ways to help you still heal, ways of mediation, energy work, etc that can be of great use to you in your struggle of overcoming depression or PTSD.

I am not fully over all the things I have dealt with in my life. Upon returning from my mission I received more counseling and was dating a very wonderful gal. I found there were many insecurities I had about love because of my childhood experiences with how the definition of love was taught to me by my molesters. That is an example of how things will still come up for me, but I now have the tools to meet those head on, deal with those, and move forward. This doesn't mean there aren't moments I deal with depression, but I can definitely say they are brighter moments than the moments I had before my counseling.

I have a testimony of my Savior Jesus Christ and of his atoning sacrifice. He came to this earth to go through all things, he UNDERSTANDS what each and everyone of us go through, he has felt each of our pain and can help make our burdens light. His sacrifice wasn't to just take away our sin but to have a place we could set our yokes of negativity and live our lives to the fullest. Jesus is the Christ and he does live.

For those who struggle with depression or PTSD, or struggle in general in life, know that you have a friend here. You can call me anytime, day or night, and I will be there for you.

Others of you out there, be aware of what others around you may be going through. Depression isn't a choice one can make to just get out of it if they are feeling down. There are many friends I wish I could have been there at the moments they passed so I could tell them it gets better, there is hope, there is a life out of depression. If you really want to help someone with depression, when they are having a down moment, sometimes just being with them, not even talking helps, inviting them to something, or just sending them a text of something positive. Everyone is different who struggles with depression and those few suggestions are not conclusive, but be aware. Depression is typically stemmed because of something in life that has happened to an individual. It is not a choice, but I sure as hell wish it was. And exercising helps a little and to prove a point that it is not a cure for all depression, I ran throughout high school and into college, running an average of 5 miles a day for 10 years of life, it helps a little.

Because of my life experiences thus far, I have a great understanding of human suffering, I have been blessed with the ability to discern when someone needs something, the ability to know someones intentions, and a great capacity for love. I wouldn't change anything about my life.

Patriotic Peace

This post is a rewrite of a patriotic poem I wrote on the morning of the 4th of July, 2011. I revised it into more of a paper form and made a few revisions.

P.C. Liberty CountryMark

 On the fourth of July, liberty came, freedom won, and evil became undone. A sacred document forged, with the blood of valiant men, still holds, to this day, the power of God on earth. The republic they once knew, would be foreign, if they were alive today. The republic, as one nation under God, is now divisible, with political correctness and bitterness for all. The sacred document is the key, to liberty and justice for all. With that same God, this nation, can again, be once more. Restored to its glory, known for its riches, its generosity, and love of freedom for all the world. Make this your day to pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of America, to the republic, and not what it has become today. The republic is what stands, as one indivisible nation under the hand of an almighty creator. This is the land of the free, and the home of the brave. Let us be brave again, let us restore once more, the constitution the people. Let us regain our freedoms that have been lost, let us stand for the republic, as much as we stand as a witness of God and Jesus Christ. Stand up next to Him, as he has always stood up next to you. Remember the blood, the sacrifice, to gain all we have. To the men who do sacrifice, thank them, don't hate them, lift them up, make their burdens light. They fight for liberty, and for the justice of all. 

Never no never forsake, this God given land. No other land has been so blessed by God. Stand up and commit today, to stand for freedom, freedom of your religion, your choices, stand up for Christ and your Heavenly Father; at all times and in all places, wherever you may be. Lets make this the god given republic it once was, once again. Let us be brave mean and women who call upon our God for the support of this country. With his hand was this country made free, and only with his hand will this country stay free.  This is God's chosen land, from sea to shining sea, no unhallowed hand can keep it, from being free. Unless we forget who keeps it free. Remember the blood that spilt in a garden, on a hill top on a cross, and in 1776, 1861,1917, 1941, 1950, 1961, 1990, and the 21st century. No nation has done more for this world, and no nation under God should do any less. This is God's country, he will protect us and prosper us, lest we forget. 

Keep freedom free, liberty and justice for all. For by the dawns early light, did freedom shine bright. Though freedom is bombarded as Fort McHenry was that night, it can still be seen in the dawns early light. May we hold the flag high and what it represents at all costs. At Fort McHenry, they held it with their lives. For great things, comes a great sacrifice. Sacrifice today, and show the world that we are still one nation under God, invisible because of His power. 

See the freedom in the bombs bursting in the air, freedom still shines, freedom still holds. Lets hold freedom true int he mid day's sun, once again. 

One True Religion?

As many of you may know I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, for two years in Colorado. I loved my mission and I absolutely enjoyed getting to know people, creating lifelong friendships, and getting to know more about how religion plays a role in the life of others. It is this role of religion in the life of others that I would like to discuss today. As a reminder these views in no way reflect the views of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, these are my opinion on the matter at hand.

While I have gone through life I was blessed to have wonderful parents who really helped me understand that everyone is a child of God. I also grew up in a faith where I was taught that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the ONLY true church and there is no other true church out there. While I do not dispute this claim, this is where I would desire to expound on my opinion of the matter of one true religion.

There are many religions out in the world, and where I served my LDS mission in Colorado Springs, Colorado there were over 800 different denominations listed in the phone book (Yes, one day I sort of counted). Naturally we ran into many of these folks of different faiths, we spoke with many, had wonderful conversations with many of them, ate dinner at their homes, helped around their yards, etc. While I served alongside so many wonderful people I began to wonder why they were not LDS, why they were not part of Jesus Christ's only church on the face of the earth with the fullness of the everlasting gospel. While many seek to preach their religion as the true religion I began to wonder myself which religion was true. At this point in my life I had plenty of experiences with God telling me the LDS faith is the true church and to dedicate my life to the teachings of Jesus Christ that are found in the LDS faith, which I still agree with whole heartedly. What happened next to my own personal insight was interesting and life changing, it changed the way I approached my mission, the way I approached people who were not of my religion, and the way I viewed other faiths.

In my last area on my mission I was in a  mountain area of Colorado, a very beautiful area, an area that wasn't well off financially for the people who lived there. In our area was a food pantry which was housed in a little white chapel. While the pantry itself wasn't a religion, everyone who volunteered there every second and fourth Monday of the month was religious in someway. We would have a prayer, typically provided by my good friend David who is a Christian. As I interacted with these folks of many different religions for many months I began to realize how happy they were in their religion. Some of these people asked my mission companion and I to come help them with service projects in their church, to help them at their homes, or the home of their friend. We became part of the community.

As we became part of the community and got to know these good Christians I realized quickly that while I was in that area, none of these folks were going to get baptized into the LDS faith, but that wasn't my worry, I wanted to give them a good experience of the LDS faith, and to see them be happy. What I came to realize is the LDS faith wasn't for everyone. Everyone who desires to live the faith of the LDS church can be very happy, and I feel it is the way to eternal happiness.

What I came to learn as I interacted with these folks was each religion has its place. Not everyone can live the life the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints standards would require. There are other religions out there that do many wonderful things for their communities and the world. The reason there are so many different religions is because not everyone fits into one mold. While I feel my faith is THE true church, who am I to say that someone else's religion isn't true for them? With that approach I started seeing people who didn't accept our message, in a different light. I realized the LDS faith wasn't for everyone, it is for everyone if they are ready for it, but not everyone will be. The culture is such that not everyone would feel welcome, even Christ wasn't accepted of everyone, so why should his church be? maybe someone can do more good being somewhere else rather than being part of the LDS faith.

I don't know how this all works together in the eternitites, but I know it will all work out. I am not opposed to sharing my religion with others, but I try to do it in such a way as a dear friend once told me "live in such a way that those who know you will want to know Christ." Everyone I interacted with at that food pantry and other areas of service in my life, lived this quote to a T.

 I testify that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, he was directed to restore again to the earth Jesus Christ's true church. This is the gospel in its entirety, and is the church, with all of Christ's teachings. I know it is true, and I invite others to learn more for themselves by reading the Book of Mormon and asking God if it is truly indeed another testament of Jesus Christ, a companion to the Bible.

Love is a Choice

Recently I have had a few conversations with some friends of mine about dating and about love. The conclusion we all have come to is we believe love to be a choice, not a feeling that just happens. Infatuation is something that you feel, the butterflies in the stomach effect. When it comes to actual love or even dating someone it is a choice. We can continually look for that "perfect" person to date and we will continually look for the rest of our lives until we die having been single, you have to make a choice of what you want, not wait for things to just magically happen.

Many years ago there was a girl who I thought was super cool and we hit it off, but I wasn't physically attracted her at first. The thing that made the difference as to why we dated was I made a choice I was going to pursue her and as we continued to grow in our relationship she only became more beautiful to me. I made a choice.

Another friend of mine who was also super cool had everything I wanted in a girl, but I wasn't physically attracted to her, but I decided that I could continue the rest of my life seeing what was out there, seeing if there was something better, or I could make a decision and pursue this girl. I made the decision to pursue the girl and almost immediately after making that decision she became attractive to me, and though things didn't work out, we never dated, I still find her attractive, and its because I made a choice.

Another relationship I had, the first girl I ever truly loved, was not an easy relationship at all. We would talk everyday, she lived far away, so we would need to set aside time out of our busy schedules to talk to each other. It was a great relationship and I realized then how hard it is to actually love someone. There were plenty of days where I didn't have the butterflies in the stomach about her and I would start to question myself as to whether or not I actually loved her, but I soon learned it was a choice. I had to remind myself at times that yes, I do actually love her and I have committed to dating her so I will continue forward with this; as I shared my experiences with her I was happy to hear I was not alone, she too had to do the same thing as our idea of love had obviously been skewed and we both knew it was a choice.

Love is not all what we want it to be,  but we can certainly do what we can to get it there. If you want to date someone, marry someone, be committed to someone, it's a choice. Why suddenly do two people get married or commit to each other but they couldn't do that with the other people they dated? Not always, but sometimes it is just the making a choice to be with someone that makes all the difference. There will always be something better out there, always, but you can continually chase after that something, or you can decide you want to stick it out and love someone, and continually make a daily choice that no matter how much hell the two of you might go through, you will stick it out, because it's a choice. For me I never see myself leaving anyone, no matter how bad it gets. I've been through enough crap in my life that I doubt it will ever be harder than it already has been. Yes things will still be super tough and rough, but I have made a decision that when I marry the person I will marry someday, there will be no turning back.

In the end, love isn't a feeling we get, it's a choice, a choice that grows stronger the more committed one becomes in the relationship. Remember that time you got butterflies in your stomach because you loved your parents, God, your siblings? Yea, I don't remember those times either. It's a choice.

*When it comes to items for divorce I am not here to discuss that. I know there are reasons for it and by no means am I saying people who get divorced are just not making the choice, that is their personal matter and not for me to get involved with.

**While there is so much more about love we can discuss I am just talking about making a choice.

P.C. http://thelegacyletters.com